Too much used to be's and i remember's.
Here's one of them.
This is about another boy in my life.
A one-night-stand, actually.
I went to a mall to watch a movie. I don't remember what movie i actually watched.
I was already aware of the cruising scene inside movie houses during that time. And, besides really wanting to watch that movie, i was hoping to get cruised by a, at least, decent looking guy. I was always the one that got cruised, wherever, whenever. I never made a move on anyone. They always made a move on me. I had that luxury. Beauty really has its advantages.
I watched the movie first. When it was over i went to the comfort room to check myself and prospective sexual partners for the night out.
And i saw one. He was also checking me out. Perfect.
He was shorter than me by an inch or two. But he had the cutest face. Chinky-eyed. Clear skin. Lean body.
I went back to my seat. When the lights dimmed i got up and stood at the back. The boy i saw emerged from the dark a little while after and stood beside me. He stood near and got closer and closer as minutes passed. Then he started groping me. He slipped his hands into my pants. I could feel he was surprised and very pleased with the size of the thing he was holding in there. After a while i groped him a little too. And i was also pleased, if you get what i mean.
We just stood there like that. Occassionaly taking our hands off each other when somebody was about to pass by.
The movie ended and everyone left. We went in the comfort room where there were still a few guys combing their hair, wiping their oily faces, peeing etc. Some were checking other guys out hoping for that eye-contact that would last long enough to signal a hook-up. We waited 'til most of the people left. When there was only i, he and one other guy left, we went back into the theater and made out. Our kisses were so hungry. So passionate. So much so i felt i could cum right then and there. Then a person suddenly emerged on the other side of the theater and we scurried like rats flashed with a bright light.
My guy-for-the-night ran ouside while i just walked, trying to keep it cool eventhough i was so nervous as it might have been a security guy or something. But i caught a glimpse of the "intruder" and he just one of the guys i saw in the comfort room. He was probably trying his luck in hooking up with someone that's why he went back into the cinema.
Since my guy ran, he was out of the cinema about two minutes ahead of me. I was thinking "There goes the fun...". But i was so pleased to see him just a few meters from the door, waiting for me. He smiled when he saw so so smiled back. We walked the almost empty promenades of the mall together in silence. Then, reaching the mall exit, we started talking.
I broke the silence first saying i got so nervous when that guy suddenly popped-out inside the cinema that my stomach was, sort of, aching. He laughed and said he was feeling that too. He added, "That guy was probably looking for a hook-up too."
He asked me what i was doing at the mall. I said i went there just to watch a movie. I asked what he was doing there he said his mom asked him to buy a bible. I heard it right but i just wanted to make really sure so i asked him again. He said his mom asked him to buy a bible. I told him "You were in the mall to buy a bible and because of that we're together tonight... I guess i should really thank God then." We both laughed.
A short silent moment then he asked "Where do we go? Do you have a place?" I said no. I never took a guy home and i wasn't about to start doing so. Especially since i knew the friend i was sharing the condo with was just home that night.
I suggested we go to a motel. He said he feels a bit awkward having people see him going into a motel with another guy. I said "People get so many guy-and-guy pairs checking-in at their motels they really don't care."
He agreed. He said he didn't have much money with him. I said i'd pay for the room. But when we got there he handed me two hundred pesos. Half of the room's rate. Not bad.
When we got in our room, as soon as i locked the door, he pulled me towards him and kissed me like crazy. We started to take our clothes off. We did foreplay. But, just before we really get caught in the heat of the moment i told him we should go shower first. We got in the shower together. But we spent twenty minutes inside without being able to really shower 'cause we couldn't get our hands and lips off of each other. So i decided to let him shower first. I went in after he finished.
Then we made sweet, sweet love...
He pleased me so good. So really, really good.
I knew he was really into me. I knew he really liked me. I could feel it in his moves. His breathing. His stares. His pauses and embrace.
God, how i wish i could be at that place in that moment in time with him again!
When we were done, we just lay there. He was staring at me. I kept asking him why he was staring and he just said "Nothing" then hugged me really tight.
We left the motel together and while he was waiting for a jeep and i for a taxi he asked "Will we ever see each other again?" Such a simple question that only has three possible one-word answers. Yes, no or maybe. But i didn't know what to say. I could see the pleading in his eyes. It was as if through his eyes he asked "Please say yes". It took me around three seconds to answer him with "Maybe..." but it seemed like forever in my heart.
I was so tempted to say yes. Who wouldn't want to sleep with a gorgeous guy over and over again? But in those three seconds of pause i thought of so many things. We see each other again, we'll have sex. We see each other again then we have sex again and so on. What, after all of those sexual meetings, will happen? A relationship? I had many doubts about that. I had many doubts and what if's and maybe if's.
A taxi pulled over in front of us. I said goodbye to him. And the taxi drove off. I could see him in the passenger side mirror. He got smaller and smaller 'til i couldn't see him anymore. He had his eyes on me the whole time.
I felt like going back. I wanted to say i wanted to see him again. But i didn't.
I was basking in the thought of somebody falling hard for me just like that. I really am a handsome bastard. I really have the charms too. All i need to do is stand somewhere and i could have a fuck and the wide choice of who i want to do it with.
But why do i feel so empty?
I feel satisfied, yes. My ego is satisfied too. And i have another memory to look back on.
But memory won't dry tears off my eyes. It won't comfort me during long, lonely nights. It won't be on the couch by the living room waiting to greet me the moment i come in.
What if that was the guy who would have put up with all my shit and still have a smile on his face? What if that's the guy who'll love me so much i'll learn how to love truly and utterly too? What if that's the guy who will stay with me against all odds?
I'll never know now...
But i got to bitch, right? I got to feel and act high and mighty. I got to inflate that ever so important ego and proved i have the looks and charms only so few have, right?
Yeah, right...
So there i was. Going home satisfied.
Going home happy.
Going home with a smile.
Going home charming.
Going home beautiful.
Going home alone...
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