Beautiful and charming

I know i'm really starting to get old.

Been reminiscing too much these days.

Too much used to be's and i remember's.

Here's one of them.

This is about another boy in my life.

A one-night-stand, actually.

I went to a mall to watch a movie. I don't remember what movie i actually watched.

I was already aware of the cruising scene inside movie houses during that time. And, besides really wanting to watch that movie, i was hoping to get cruised by a, at least, decent looking guy. I was always the one that got cruised, wherever, whenever. I never made a move on anyone. They always made a move on me. I had that luxury. Beauty really has its advantages.

I watched the movie first. When it was over i went to the comfort room to check myself and prospective sexual partners for the night out.

And i saw one. He was also checking me out. Perfect.

He was shorter than me by an inch or two. But he had the cutest face. Chinky-eyed. Clear skin. Lean body.

I went back to my seat. When the lights dimmed i got up and stood at the back. The boy i saw emerged from the dark a little while after and stood beside me. He stood near and got closer and closer as minutes passed. Then he started groping me. He slipped his hands into my pants. I could feel he was surprised and very pleased with the size of the thing he was holding in there. After a while i groped him a little too. And i was also pleased, if you get what i mean.

We just stood there like that. Occassionaly taking our hands off each other when somebody was about to pass by.

The movie ended and everyone left. We went in the comfort room where there were still a few guys combing their hair, wiping their oily faces, peeing etc. Some were checking other guys out hoping for that eye-contact that would last long enough to signal a hook-up. We waited 'til most of the people left. When there was only i, he and one other guy left, we went back into the theater and made out. Our kisses were so hungry. So passionate. So much so i felt i could cum right then and there. Then a person suddenly emerged on the other side of the theater and we scurried like rats flashed with a bright light.

My guy-for-the-night ran ouside while i just walked, trying to keep it cool eventhough i was so nervous as it might have been a security guy or something. But i caught a glimpse of the "intruder" and he just one of the guys i saw in the comfort room. He was probably trying his luck in hooking up with someone that's why he went back into the cinema.

Since my guy ran, he was out of the cinema about two minutes ahead of me. I was thinking "There goes the fun...". But i was so pleased to see him just a few meters from the door, waiting for me. He smiled when he saw so so smiled back. We walked the almost empty promenades of the mall together in silence. Then, reaching the mall exit, we started talking.

I broke the silence first saying i got so nervous when that guy suddenly popped-out inside the cinema that my stomach was, sort of, aching. He laughed and said he was feeling that too. He added, "That guy was probably looking for a hook-up too."

He asked me what i was doing at the mall. I said i went there just to watch a movie. I asked what he was doing there he said his mom asked him to buy a bible. I heard it right but i just wanted to make really sure so i asked him again. He said his mom asked him to buy a bible. I told him "You were in the mall to buy a bible and because of that we're together tonight... I guess i should really thank God then." We both laughed.

A short silent moment then he asked "Where do we go? Do you have a place?" I said no. I never took a guy home and i wasn't about to start doing so. Especially since i knew the friend i was sharing the condo with was just home that night.

I suggested we go to a motel. He said he feels a bit awkward having people see him going into a motel with another guy. I said "People get so many guy-and-guy pairs checking-in at their motels they really don't care."

He agreed. He said he didn't have much money with him. I said i'd pay for the room. But when we got there he handed me two hundred pesos. Half of the room's rate. Not bad.

When we got in our room, as soon as i locked the door, he pulled me towards him and kissed me like crazy. We started to take our clothes off. We did foreplay. But, just before we really get caught in the heat of the moment i told him we should go shower first. We got in the shower together. But we spent twenty minutes inside without being able to really shower 'cause we couldn't get our hands and lips off of each other. So i decided to let him shower first. I went in after he finished.

Then we made sweet, sweet love...

He pleased me so good. So really, really good.

I knew he was really into me. I knew he really liked me. I could feel it in his moves. His breathing. His stares. His pauses and embrace.

God, how i wish i could be at that place in that moment in time with him again!

When we were done, we just lay there. He was staring at me. I kept asking him why he was staring and he just said "Nothing" then hugged me really tight.

We left the motel together and while he was waiting for a jeep and i for a taxi he asked "Will we ever see each other again?" Such a simple question that only has three possible one-word answers. Yes, no or maybe. But i didn't know what to say. I could see the pleading in his eyes. It was as if through his eyes he asked "Please say yes". It took me around three seconds to answer him with "Maybe..." but it seemed like forever in my heart.

I was so tempted to say yes. Who wouldn't want to sleep with a gorgeous guy over and over again? But in those three seconds of pause i thought of so many things. We see each other again, we'll have sex. We see each other again then we have sex again and so on. What, after all of those sexual meetings, will happen? A relationship? I had many doubts about that. I had many doubts and what if's and maybe if's.

A taxi pulled over in front of us. I said goodbye to him. And the taxi drove off. I could see him in the passenger side mirror. He got smaller and smaller 'til i couldn't see him anymore. He had his eyes on me the whole time.

I felt like going back. I wanted to say i wanted to see him again. But i didn't.

I was basking in the thought of somebody falling hard for me just like that. I really am a handsome bastard. I really have the charms too. All i need to do is stand somewhere and i could have a fuck and the wide choice of who i want to do it with.

But why do i feel so empty?

I feel satisfied, yes. My ego is satisfied too. And i have another memory to look back on.

But memory won't dry tears off my eyes. It won't comfort me during long, lonely nights. It won't be on the couch by the living room waiting to greet me the moment i come in.

What if that was the guy who would have put up with all my shit and still have a smile on his face? What if that's the guy who'll love me so much i'll learn how to love truly and utterly too? What if that's the guy who will stay with me against all odds?

I'll never know now...

But i got to bitch, right? I got to feel and act high and mighty. I got to inflate that ever so important ego and proved i have the looks and charms only so few have, right?

Yeah, right...

So there i was. Going home satisfied.

Going home happy.

Going home with a smile.

Going home charming.

Going home beautiful.

Going home alone...

Para sandwich lang...

Hindi yata masyadong maganda construction ko nitong story na 'to so... Sorry if hindi nga.

Mahaba-haba 'to so kumuha ka ng dalawang latang Ma Ling at isang loaf ng tasty bread. Handa ka na rin ng juice. Bahala ka na kung anong flavor. Pati ba naman 'yan ako pa pagdedesisyunin mo.

Third year high school. I wasn't physically developed yet and i looked so petite and i had the Demi Moore/Phoebe Kates haircut. Remember? It was called the apple cut, i believe.

I was often mistaken for a girl. Let me just clear na i wasn't doing or putting on or acting anything like a girl. It was mostly my looks and petite (petite daw oh!) body.

And then... Raul, pasok!

He was a classmate. And he was such a goodlooking boy! Actually, he already looked like a "man" back then. He was tall, 5'10", i think. He had a body that had no more traces of baby fat. He was a bit muscular pa nga. His face was sort of like Jericho Rosales' only a little rounder in shape and more manly.

He was the typical high school guy. A little loud at times. Sweaty from playing basketball during breaks often. He had an all guy "barkada" na, let me just add this, puro rin guwapo. (Kilig!)

We didn't really talk or interact that much but there came a time na things changed. He would sit beside me. He would initiate conversations. And, often, his goal would appear to be to make me laugh. And i did.

It progressed to something really nakakakilig. He would walk with me to the waiting shed when it's time to go home. He would even carry my books for me. Yes, so schoolgirl meets boy.

Then he would wait for a jeep with me. He, still carrying my books, would only pass it back to me if may jeep na na masasakyan.

Then my friends would tell me he's always looking for me. And, there were times i actually overheard him asking my friends where i was and other stuff.

AND! Get ready for this friend... I was a little late for the afternoon classes and my classmates were all there na in their seats. My bestfriend "Lightning" and i sat beside each other but when i was about to come in to the room i noticed Raul was sitting in my seat. And, i swear i'm not making this up or heard it wrong, i caught him asking my bestfriend to tell me na sagutin ko na siya.

What an incredible offah! But, if you kohl within the next ten minutes...

Tumawa lang bestfriend ko. Ako rin tumawa. Nagmama-ganda ako noon at gusto ko sanang tanungin siya, "Nanliligaw ka pala? Where are the roses? Who's gonna clean the toilet?". Joke! But there was something in me that got stirred up from what i heard. I felt na i blushed but i felt a little angry and i felt happy. That very moment i felt weird. Confused.

In fact, that was how i felt the whole time he was being "nice" to me.

Then he would buy me snacks for recess. Although i never accepted. Except once. We were in the canteen and i was with my mostly girl group of friends and he was with his all boys group. We occupied the table closest to the door and they were at the opposite end of the room. While we were discussing what each one was gonna buy i saw him stand and buy a sandwich from the counter. Then... He walked towards us and slowly extended his hand that was holding the sandwich thereby making a gesture of offering. I declined. He leaned towards me and whispered "Hahalikan kita 'pag hindi mo 'to tinanggap." To which i could only reply "Subukan mo." He offered the sandwich and i refused again. He leaned and tried to do what he said he would then...

SLAP!

The flesh on his face where my hand hit was so red even i started to feel sorry and scared right away. Baka gumanti kasi shet! Ma-headline pa akong "Bakla, wasak ang mukha dahil sa pagmamaganda!" I wanted to console him from what i myself did. I wanted to hug him. Pero kailangang panindigan ang pagiging strict ng parents ko. Kailangang panindigan ang pagiging daIag na pinay. Yes, dalag. I remember so vividly that tears were welling up his eyes. And, up to this day, what he said after might be senseless to other people but it is something i consider one of the sweetest things anyone could ever say to me. Especially considering what transpired before he said it. "Para sandwich lang hindi mo pa ako mapagbigyan."

Tinanggap ko na yung sandwich. Nagutom ako bigla.

From then on iniwasan ko na siya. Iiwasan lang tingin niya. Hindi kikibuin. Not the pelikula type of iwas na 'pag palapit siya nginig-nginig kunyari ng boses at paalam na kailangan ko nang umalis habang pasulyap-sulyap sa kanya. Bakla ako. Pero hindi ako ganun ka pa-cute. Lecheng Bea Alonzo 'yan! Nyehe...

But he kept "pursuing" me. He would ask my friends to help him talk to me and all that stuff. Ako talaga, i didn't know how to feel sa mga ginagawa niya. Parang gusto ko rin na gawin niya sa akin yun all the time but i didn't know where to go from there.I was a late bloomer. I knew about sex. I knew it happens. That people do it. I knew about man to man sex. But iba kasi yung alam mo lang na may mga ganung bagay pero wala ka pang "libog" sa katawan. You think of those things in a factual way. But not as a possibility for you.

And, yes. During the mid-nineties third year high school was still considered "young" and sex wasn't a part of our reality back then. At least for most of us, boys or girls or gays man. But, actually, there was nothing even close to sexual with what happened to us. Kasi kung sex with boys gusto niya, meron siyang makukuha. Kung gay, mas lalo na. At kung girls, our school was just like any other school na may mga "resident" puta-putang girls na isang kalabit lang go na. I said before na i, sort of, looked like a girl. I also don't think that was it. Bakit siya magse-settle sa "mukhang babae" lang when so many girls were throwing themselves at him? So, i think it was something special. Kasi kung hindi then sobrang galing na actor niya at ng mga kaibigan ko't kaibigan niya.

And, don't get me wrong. It wasn't all sweet-sweet stuff. Marami ring embarassing moments. The times na nagiging "sweet" siya sa akin i would get teased by my friends and he would also get teased by his. I remember one of his friends shouting "Bakla 'yan. Ano'ng nangyayari sa'yo." After he punched that guy in the face right then and there i never heard any of his friends shout anything remotely demeaning stuff at me.

I've told this story to some friends before and they would say na maybe may bet between him and his friends or something like that. But i don't think so. I've thought about the things that happened between us and i really can't recall any instance where he even seemed insincere.

I know you're most probably asking this in your head "Was there money involved?" Wala po. Wala pa akong conciousness sa gano'ng kalakalan. Tsaka mayaman siya. Hindi niya na kailangan ng extra money. Hindi ko rin kayang tumustos ng luho ng papa at ako'y isang hamak na milyonaryo lang. Sapat lang ang milyones ko sa pang-araw-araw na gastusin. Eching!

Basta after all that happened, we would pass each other at the corridors of the school but we wouldn't smile at each other. We wouldn't do a cordial nod. We would just look at each other. I knew he could see the longing in my eyes. I could see sadness and, yes, longing in his eyes too.

I couldn't remember na when the last time we talked was. Or what we talked about. I do wish i can remeber if that last time, i was laughing. If he made me laugh. But, alas, i can't.

But i remember the sadness in his eyes.

And whenever i remember kinikilig ako. At nanghihinayang. Na hindi.

Halos puro "What if's?" lang naiisip ko actually.

What if i allowed myself to fall for him? If he hurt me so early in my life i could have become so bitter na dadaigin ko ampalaya bilang gamot sa diabetes.

If he made me happy then nag-end yung thing namin i could have become really jaded, perhaps. Or have such high standards i could never really fall in love again truly and totally.

I can't do anything about the "What if's?".

But i do think of him more often than i should and would like to.

I remember his smile. I remember his smell. I remember his sweetness. And i remember the sadness in his eyes.

Ang naaalala ko na lang ngayon most of all is the joy i felt when ran to him and hugged him so tight i swear he couldn't breathe. Matangkad nga siya kaya sa dibdib niya nag-rest ulo ko. And he hugged me back. Walang salitaan. Then inalis ko yakap ko sa kanya and i just ran. Away from him. Hindi ako naiiyak noon. In fact masaya ako. Hindi ko na inalam kung ano hitsura niya. Hindi na ako lumingon. Dahil baka kung naka-ngiti siya at masaya eh mapabalik ako at yakapin siya at gustuhing yakapin siya hangga't puwede.

Hindi puwede.

Strict parents ko.