Hindi yata masyadong maganda construction ko nitong story na 'to so... Sorry if hindi nga. Mahaba-haba 'to so kumuha ka ng dalawang latang Ma Ling at isang loaf ng tasty bread. Handa ka na rin ng juice. Bahala ka na kung anong flavor. Pati ba naman 'yan ako pa pagdedesisyunin mo. Third year high school. I wasn't physically developed yet and i looked so petite and i had the Demi Moore/Phoebe Kates haircut. Remember? It was called the apple cut, i believe. I was often mistaken for a girl. Let me just clear na i wasn't doing or putting on or acting anything like a girl. It was mostly my looks and petite (petite daw oh!) body. And then... Raul, pasok! He was a classmate. And he was such a goodlooking boy! Actually, he already looked like a "man" back then. He was tall, 5'10", i think. He had a body that had no more traces of baby fat. He was a bit muscular pa nga. His face was sort of like Jericho Rosales' only a little rounder in shape and more manly. He was the typical high school guy. A little loud at times. Sweaty from playing basketball during breaks often. He had an all guy "barkada" na, let me just add this, puro rin guwapo. (Kilig!) We didn't really talk or interact that much but there came a time na things changed. He would sit beside me. He would initiate conversations. And, often, his goal would appear to be to make me laugh. And i did. It progressed to something really nakakakilig. He would walk with me to the waiting shed when it's time to go home. He would even carry my books for me. Yes, so schoolgirl meets boy. Then he would wait for a jeep with me. He, still carrying my books, would only pass it back to me if may jeep na na masasakyan. Then my friends would tell me he's always looking for me. And, there were times i actually overheard him asking my friends where i was and other stuff. AND! Get ready for this friend... I was a little late for the afternoon classes and my classmates were all there na in their seats. My bestfriend "Lightning" and i sat beside each other but when i was about to come in to the room i noticed Raul was sitting in my seat. And, i swear i'm not making this up or heard it wrong, i caught him asking my bestfriend to tell me na sagutin ko na siya. What an incredible offah! But, if you kohl within the next ten minutes... Tumawa lang bestfriend ko. Ako rin tumawa. Nagmama-ganda ako noon at gusto ko sanang tanungin siya, "Nanliligaw ka pala? Where are the roses? Who's gonna clean the toilet?". Joke! But there was something in me that got stirred up from what i heard. I felt na i blushed but i felt a little angry and i felt happy. That very moment i felt weird. Confused. In fact, that was how i felt the whole time he was being "nice" to me. Then he would buy me snacks for recess. Although i never accepted. Except once. We were in the canteen and i was with my mostly girl group of friends and he was with his all boys group. We occupied the table closest to the door and they were at the opposite end of the room. While we were discussing what each one was gonna buy i saw him stand and buy a sandwich from the counter. Then... He walked towards us and slowly extended his hand that was holding the sandwich thereby making a gesture of offering. I declined. He leaned towards me and whispered "Hahalikan kita 'pag hindi mo 'to tinanggap." To which i could only reply "Subukan mo." He offered the sandwich and i refused again. He leaned and tried to do what he said he would then... SLAP! The flesh on his face where my hand hit was so red even i started to feel sorry and scared right away. Baka gumanti kasi shet! Ma-headline pa akong "Bakla, wasak ang mukha dahil sa pagmamaganda!" I wanted to console him from what i myself did. I wanted to hug him. Pero kailangang panindigan ang pagiging strict ng parents ko. Kailangang panindigan ang pagiging daIag na pinay. Yes, dalag. I remember so vividly that tears were welling up his eyes. And, up to this day, what he said after might be senseless to other people but it is something i consider one of the sweetest things anyone could ever say to me. Especially considering what transpired before he said it. "Para sandwich lang hindi mo pa ako mapagbigyan." Tinanggap ko na yung sandwich. Nagutom ako bigla. From then on iniwasan ko na siya. Iiwasan lang tingin niya. Hindi kikibuin. Not the pelikula type of iwas na 'pag palapit siya nginig-nginig kunyari ng boses at paalam na kailangan ko nang umalis habang pasulyap-sulyap sa kanya. Bakla ako. Pero hindi ako ganun ka pa-cute. Lecheng Bea Alonzo 'yan! Nyehe... But he kept "pursuing" me. He would ask my friends to help him talk to me and all that stuff. Ako talaga, i didn't know how to feel sa mga ginagawa niya. Parang gusto ko rin na gawin niya sa akin yun all the time but i didn't know where to go from there.I was a late bloomer. I knew about sex. I knew it happens. That people do it. I knew about man to man sex. But iba kasi yung alam mo lang na may mga ganung bagay pero wala ka pang "libog" sa katawan. You think of those things in a factual way. But not as a possibility for you. And, yes. During the mid-nineties third year high school was still considered "young" and sex wasn't a part of our reality back then. At least for most of us, boys or girls or gays man. But, actually, there was nothing even close to sexual with what happened to us. Kasi kung sex with boys gusto niya, meron siyang makukuha. Kung gay, mas lalo na. At kung girls, our school was just like any other school na may mga "resident" puta-putang girls na isang kalabit lang go na. I said before na i, sort of, looked like a girl. I also don't think that was it. Bakit siya magse-settle sa "mukhang babae" lang when so many girls were throwing themselves at him? So, i think it was something special. Kasi kung hindi then sobrang galing na actor niya at ng mga kaibigan ko't kaibigan niya. And, don't get me wrong. It wasn't all sweet-sweet stuff. Marami ring embarassing moments. The times na nagiging "sweet" siya sa akin i would get teased by my friends and he would also get teased by his. I remember one of his friends shouting "Bakla 'yan. Ano'ng nangyayari sa'yo." After he punched that guy in the face right then and there i never heard any of his friends shout anything remotely demeaning stuff at me. I've told this story to some friends before and they would say na maybe may bet between him and his friends or something like that. But i don't think so. I've thought about the things that happened between us and i really can't recall any instance where he even seemed insincere. I know you're most probably asking this in your head "Was there money involved?" Wala po. Wala pa akong conciousness sa gano'ng kalakalan. Tsaka mayaman siya. Hindi niya na kailangan ng extra money. Hindi ko rin kayang tumustos ng luho ng papa at ako'y isang hamak na milyonaryo lang. Sapat lang ang milyones ko sa pang-araw-araw na gastusin. Eching! Basta after all that happened, we would pass each other at the corridors of the school but we wouldn't smile at each other. We wouldn't do a cordial nod. We would just look at each other. I knew he could see the longing in my eyes. I could see sadness and, yes, longing in his eyes too. I couldn't remember na when the last time we talked was. Or what we talked about. I do wish i can remeber if that last time, i was laughing. If he made me laugh. But, alas, i can't. But i remember the sadness in his eyes. And whenever i remember kinikilig ako. At nanghihinayang. Na hindi. Halos puro "What if's?" lang naiisip ko actually. What if i allowed myself to fall for him? If he hurt me so early in my life i could have become so bitter na dadaigin ko ampalaya bilang gamot sa diabetes. If he made me happy then nag-end yung thing namin i could have become really jaded, perhaps. Or have such high standards i could never really fall in love again truly and totally. I can't do anything about the "What if's?". But i do think of him more often than i should and would like to. I remember his smile. I remember his smell. I remember his sweetness. And i remember the sadness in his eyes. Ang naaalala ko na lang ngayon most of all is the joy i felt when ran to him and hugged him so tight i swear he couldn't breathe. Matangkad nga siya kaya sa dibdib niya nag-rest ulo ko. And he hugged me back. Walang salitaan. Then inalis ko yakap ko sa kanya and i just ran. Away from him. Hindi ako naiiyak noon. In fact masaya ako. Hindi ko na inalam kung ano hitsura niya. Hindi na ako lumingon. Dahil baka kung naka-ngiti siya at masaya eh mapabalik ako at yakapin siya at gustuhing yakapin siya hangga't puwede. Hindi puwede. Strict parents ko.
